September 14th, 2023 5:45pm:
“Good afternoon! I’m in the hospital again with contractions about every 5 min. I just wanted to give you a heads up.”
This was the text that sent me into a hyper focus. That same hyper focus that lasers me into packing my gear and my go-bag. I grabbed everything I needed and hopped in the shower as fast as I could because it was happening.
I checked in with Leilani less than 45 minutes later and was met with “Still the same. They just checked me and I’m at a 5.” I put my shoes on and I left. As I was driving to the hospital, all I could think about what must be going through her mind. Running all the ways I could be there for her through my mind, what I could say, how I could help her through this. This should not be happening for another 6 weeks.
When I got to the hospital and found her room in L&D, I sat down next to her and I could swear I had already known her for a lifetime in that moment. I asked her how she was feeling, like genuinely truly feeling right in that moment. She told me about her day and everything that led up to that moment. She had already been in the hospital since noon. It was almost 6pm. Her medical team tried using a steroid shot to stop the pre term labor, but it didn’t work this time around and no matter what anyone did, Esmerelda was coming tonight. They removed her pessary upon the realization that labor was inevitable.
I picked up my camera and started taking some photos, playing around with my settings and we talked. We talked about her daughter’s dance class and how she just started. About how her son hid in a cupboard one time and scared the absolute life out of his parents, but he thought it was so hilarious. We talked about toddlerhood sleep regressions. Living life away from family. Zodiac signs. The beauty in motherhood and the difficulties the ultimately shape us as mothers. We talked about everything in the sun, and the more words we exchanged the more I felt like I had already known her forever.
The midwife came in to perform another cervical check. It lasted what felt like forever. She was hoping to debunk the nurses fear of being able to feel the pulsating of the umbilical cord, but her face fell. She looked to Leilani and told her that we needed to consider a cesarean. She knew it wasn’t what she wanted. She acknowledged it. Validated it. The midwife had the OB come in to get a third opinion so she could be absolutely positive before carrying Leilani down a road she did not want to go down.
When the OB performed her check, she confirmed that Leilani had a prolapsed cord. To try and buy more time and maybe get Esmerelda to move away from her cord, she ordered an ultrasound. While we waited for the ultrasound tech, Leilani’s perfectly sweet babies showed up with her husband. The room suddenly felt so full of love, you could feel it bursting through the door. Excitement pulsated through the walls. Esmerelda’s siblings could not wait to see her — even if it was early. Lola was ready for dress up days and fairy tails. And Lucian couldn’t wait to kiss her for real, not just through Momma’s belly.
Enough time had lapsed before me filled with moments of wholeness that I had barely realized that ultrasound tech has made his way to the room with the bedside ultrasound machine. He prepped Leilani for her second ultrasound that day. He needed to see how baby’s lungs were on the inside so they could determine how she would handle life on the outside. An entire hour passed us before he was able to draw his conclusion. Esmerelda was at a 6 out of 8. It was as close as she’d be able to get before being born. He examined the cord and talked to the midwife and the OB. Before he could exit the L&D wing, the room filled up.
Dr. Fadool broke the news that there was no more time left. Esmerelda wasn’t moving away from her cord no matter how much the tech tried to get her out of the way. We were now hanging in the balance of life & death. This changed everything. It took an unmedicated VBAC and turned it into positive cesarean section. The shift in the room truly felt like something physical. Since Leilani was having the baby so early, and the initial hope was to stop labor, Dakotah didn’t have the time to grab a sitter for Lola and Lucian and visiting hours were long gone already. He had to take them home so Leilani could welcome Esmerelda into her arms. I knew he didn’t want to leave by the way he lingered at the door. He wanted to to be next to her. He wanted to hold her hand kiss her cheek in the OR and tell her how powerful she was for doing the hard thing.
I suddenly found I was all Leilani had left for a support person. The realization had set in and my entire mindset had shifted. I knew how badly she needed me, I knew that I had to put a brave face on for her so she could feel safe. And loved. And like she wasn’t about to do this without her husband.
Surgery prep began. The room filled with nurses switching out her IVs, the medications coursing through her, and making sure her stomach was absolutely and positively empty. She drank the drink that all c-section moms know about, she got the anti nausea medication, and the antibiotic to stop any potential infections. It was all happening so quickly right in front of me. It almost didn’t feel real. Before I could blink, the nurse asked me if I wanted a bunny suit. I looked at Leilani, waiting for that look of confirmation. Once I got it I put out my hand out and took the bunny suit from the nurse.
The minutes turned into milliseconds. I suited up and tied the mask around my neck as I watch Leilani getting wheeled back to the OR that was literally the door across the hall from her suit. I watched her cross the red line threshold. And then I waited.
I waited for almost an hour. Every single possible scenario was racing through my mind, faster than I could even comprehend a single one. All I could think about was how that almost 60 minuets must have felt like a lifetime for her while she was all alone in that sterile room with 10 strangers.
Finally, a baby nurse came back to get me. I lifted my mask above my nose and walked across that line with her. I sat in my designated chair and asked Leilani if she was okay. She lied and said she was okay, but this wasn’t the time to push. I took a few test shots to make sure my settings were where they needed to be. As I was looking back on the photos, I suddenly felt someone reach for my hand. It was her. I looked up and see tears rolling down her cheeks.
I had to choke back my own tears as I immediately stand up and put my camera down. Her pain was palpable. I leaned into her forehead, and I instinctively kissed it. “Hey, hey, hey! You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re doing the absolute best thing for your baby and that’s what makes you the best mom in the world right now. You are so strong.” I brushed the hair out of her face and I wiped away her tears. I felt like she needed a mom in that moment. Another mother to tell her that she’s perfect, she’s safe, she is loved. I felt the fear set into her the second her hand touched mine.
I never let go of her hand. I gave her moments of quiet. I kept holding her hand even when they told her to brace for the pressure. I kept holding her hand when the baby was delivered. I kept holding her hand and shot the entire delivery of Esmerelda one handed. I kept holding her hand until a baby nurse brought her over to Leilani and I kept holding her hand until I could see the relief move across her eyes. Only then did I let go of her hand so she could feel her baby, in real life, right in front of her.
I went back with Esmerelda who needed very little intervention. I took her post birth photos, in complete awe of her and her mother. I walked back with her and the nurse when her mom got to feel her across her chest for the first time. And when the anesthesiologist walked me back to the labor suit, I waited. I took the bunny suit off and waited for Leilani to come back. And I stayed with her until she was wheeled up to postpartum recovery, but not before she got to see her baby.
Esmerelda weighed 4lbs 8oz and was 17.5in long. Her original due date was October 23rd, 2023. She is currently in the NICU trying to get a little bigger and figuring out how to maintain her body temperature on her own. She shouldn’t be in there longer than a couple of weeks and she’ll be back in her mother’s arms, meeting her big sister who has been imagining their first game of dress up since she found out she was getting a sister and Lucian who wants to give Esmerelda her first real kiss on her cheek.
